Fear |fi(ə)r| noun: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat

"A woman who fears the Lord will not run away from God to satisfy her longings and relieve her anxieties. She will wait for the Lord. She will hope in God. She will stay close to the heart of God and trust in his promises. The prospect of departing into the way of sin will be too fearful to pursue; and the benefits of abiding in the shadow of the Almighty too glorious to forsake." - John Piper

In this quote, the word 'fear' is not meant as a threat, stressor, or danger. This word means Love, Respect, Cherish, Obedience. I have not been fearing the Lord at all in the past couple months. Actually, I have been running away from Him. I tend to take the easy way out of things when 'times get tough' and me running away from God right now, is the easy way out.
God isn't giving me what I think I need, and I am able to recognize that, this is my fault. My desire are skewed right now. I want a man. I want to be skinny. I want to have good grades without putting forth the effort. I want to be magically out of debt. I want to get paid to travel. What I think I need is either unrealistic or illogical. I am racing towards all of these selfish pleasures. My focus right now is on me.
I know that this is not okay - nor is it acceptable.  I need to check myself and make a central change, an inward change.
 I fear God because He is capable of anything and everything, but He died for me. Very rarely will you find someone who will die for another that they do not know personally, or even see in front of them. Very rarely will you find someone who will die for a person that won't be born for another 2,000 years. I am running away from someone that died for me.. I am a fool.
I am running away from God because His plans are not in alignment with mine, but that is because His plans are bigger than my own. Why the heck should I be so upset because He has bigger plans for me while I am single? Why should I be so upset that I am learning financial planning by being in debt? Why I am I upset about learning the importance of discipline by choosing to exercise and practice a healthy diet?
Embrace your fear, don't run from it. You will be surprised what you learn.

“Until Jesus Christ is the obsession of your heart, you’ll always be looking to mere men to meet your needs that only He can fill...”

—	Leslie Ludy

Binge

Eating disorders have become a thing of "hushed tones". They have transformed in to many monster's in people's closets. But the door has been closed on these closets because it has become old news. A thing of the past. A burden for anyone to listen to the outcry of one amid the suffering of a disorder. 

Do you know of anyone who has suffered from eating disorders in the past? How are they doing? Have you asked them anything in regards to their recovery? 
OR - have you noticed anything about your eating habits? How are they doing? Have you asked yourself that question since you become so busy that you forget to eat during the day? Or that you have become so poor in college that you can't afford food? 

How are you doing?

My 13 year old sister is one of the most self-conscious people I have met. Every other word she utters is a slam to her face, or chest, or butt, or belly, or legs, or feet. She hates herself. She subconsciously fishes for compliments. She doesn't see in herself what I see. There are so many Red Flags in my conversations with her that ... my heart is broken.

I ask myself if my leadership as her older sister has influenced her actions at all? It has. 

I binge eat. It is a constant battle for me. I hate it. I despise myself for it, but I have been fighting this "disorder" for a while now. Slowly, (emphasize slowly) I am winning.  I still have the urge in the late evening to overload my taste buds on a sugar rush. I try to get my mind off the food in the fridge by watching T.V. or going for a run, or doing sit-ups and push-ups. I take this battle day by day. Am I defeated ever?? Absolutely. Will I overcome it? Yes, but not alone. I tried the whole "alone" thing and it didn't work for me.

The strength to even right about this isn't coming from me and I, personally, don't consider it strength but rather a confession. I need to confess it to heal. The more I keep it in, the more I sink into the hole that was dug. My motivations is mainly for my sister(s). I don't ever want my sisters(or anyone for that matter) to look up to me and admire my bad habits. I don't want you to think it's ok to puke or avoid eating or run till your legs give out to burn off the calories that you consumed that day! I love you too much.

 My heart hurts thinking about it.

My hope in this is to open any readers eyes to the reality that doesn't always get to everyone. Eating disorders are still here. "Fit & Active" is an amazing goal, but the process in achieving it needs to be healthy, not "what makes the results come faster". The young people of this nation need to be told how beautiful they are every day. 

We all need to be told how beautiful and handsome each other are. 

EVERY. DAY. 

You. Yes, you with the face. You're beautiful.

“Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be. But what will happen in all the other days that ever come can depend on what you do today. It’s been that way all this year. It’s been that way so many times. All of war is that way.”

—	Ernest Hemingway

Road Trip

Most of the time, we follow each other's footsteps. Knowing that the safety and the comfort is there because someone is in front of you and the decision to move forward has been made, but what about the person in the front? The person making the decision to take the first step? The courageous act of just .... moving forward.

I have been the one to avoid being that person in the front. I hate making huge decisions. I don't like to disappoint, humiliate myself, make a mistake, most of all - I don't like to be vulnerable. Being in the front requires you to gamble on all of these reasons why anyone shouldn't be in the front! The issue is, someone always has to be there, not matter what. You won't move unless someone is there. So now the questions is, who is going to pick the short straw?

Throughout the past six months I have bumped into situations that required me to make incredibly hard decisions. I was pushed out of my comfort zone and tested to see what I was really made of. I was living out of a suitcase for 6 months. --Yeah, that's right. 6 Months--
I went from Colorado, to Michigan, to Oregon, back to southern Colorado, then Minnesota. From there I went to beautiful Europe. From there bounced around in Frankfurt, Venice, San Lorenzo, Rome, Florence, Sorrento, Gryon(pronounce Gree-own) in Switzerland, and then to top it off, my last stop was Brussels in Belgium.
Most fun I have ever had in 6 months. Also - most terrifying.

Here are just a few shots of my journey. (Emphasize "a few")

Throughout the journey of the last 6 months, I hate to admit it but - I was the person in the front. I had to be! There was a catch to this though, there was no one following. That is why I was the front runner. I was pushed out of my boundaries, my comfort zones, my 'happy place' because I HAD NO CHOICE! Awful right?
It wasn't so bad.


I learned more than I ever could have dreamed. Speaking of dreams, they became BIGGER. When you breathe in Italian air or taste the sweet twisted sting of a glass of Italian Vino, something in you changes. It's like your mind says "You did it. You made it here. You can do anything if you believe you can do it." Cliché but go with it.
Haven't you ever had that moment of "Holy crap I just did that!" or "I didn't know I was capable of doing something like that!" - yeah! That is you stepping into the "person in the front" position without even realizing.

Conquering your fears....Is. The. Best. Feeling.

I am still working on taking that first step without a push, but these last 6 months have shown me I do have that courage. It has shown me that I sell myself short. I underestimate what I am truly capable of.
Don't be like me.
Don't limit yourself because you are scared - know who you are and be proud. Know that you are gifted and are capable of conquering any fear! Believe that you are capable.
 Today, let's conquer one fear. One road block. I will do it.

Alright - it's the moment of truth.

Here I go....(God, hold my hand. Please.)

Where Everything Changes

Hello Everyone! 

I am just returning after the first camp of the summer!

                                 WHAT. A. BLAST.

I can only hope to tell you all of the amazing things that I have learned through this first experience in being 'behind the scenes' at camp. Since I am one of four interns at this camp, I had a specific job which was running back ground checks and taking care of all the resources at this camp. Slightly stressful when things didn't go smoothly, but I met A LOT of people. 
Connections are one of the greatest gifts that we have been given. Think About It: The connections that you make with people throughout your youth, adult ages, and so-on are what sets you up for your career, school, VIP passes to concerts, one-on-one interviews with some big named people; it sets you up to succeed a little bit easier in life. 


The connections that I made when I was a senior in High School is what landed me this internship. Without making the connection with the Camp Director, and making my name known and trustworthy I wouldn't have been offered this opportunity. Cool, huh? You should try it. Go out of your comfort zone and put your name out there. My friend Natalie did that in her Mary Kay business and now she is making over 60k a year... not to mention that she is 20 years old.

YFCamp is a huge connection that I made right from the start. God has been guiding me since day one on this connection journey through YFC. My mother began working for YFC in 2010, which was the year that I blew out my knee by being too competative at my first ever YFCamp. Through that messy injury, I met the person that was going to offer me this internship 3 years down the road. Pretty neat!

I want you to understand how great it is to step out of your boundaries every once in a while and not underestimate yourself. It's a new, thrilling, and exciting experience that you could have! You are the only person holding you back. 

 Take a chance.

Jump in with both feet.

Take a step of faith.        

  

and see 

where everything could change for you!

My First Steps

  Denver. This place has been amazing. 

Ranging from forest fires, to fire red sunsets; I don't know why I have never come here before?

I have been here for almost 3 weeks. Time has flown by faster than the planes that take off over my head every day. It is a bitter sweet knowledge. Have you ever prepared for something for so long that the moment you had been preparing for finally came, and it seemed like your time spent planning and slaving a way to make everything perfect was more than worth it? It was so worth it that your time living in the moment is going by faster than you would like? If that made sense to you, then you know exactly how I am feeling. Read it out loud to yourself. Help yourself realize that every moment whether or not your realize it, is going to make something worth it in your life.
Here are a couple examples so you understand what I am saying:

• Carrying a baby 9 months in your womb. Withstanding the crazy cravings that you get at 1 in the morning. The morning sickness, weight gain, stretch marks, labor pains, but the very moment that you see your own baby, hear his/her first cry, and then holding him/her in your arms. Watching them grow, learn, smile, hug, laugh; it makes it more than worth it and you wish time would stop so you could just enjoy the moment.
• The years you went to college. During those years you partied, loved, hated, slept in, skipped classes, learned how to balance life with reality, learned reality, had the best time of your life or possibly the worst. When you are 5 years out of college and God Willing a few years in to your first "real" job. You look back and wish that you could actually go back to the craziness and the irresponsibility. It was fun and stupid all at the same time. You were living, really living a dream that you didn't know you were in. 

 Here in Colorado I am trying not to take this time for granted, but it's SO easy. I drove 14 hours with my mom to Denver. Some of you may be thinking that I am crazy, but this experience was one that I had never shared with any of my parents(they are divorced so I have step-parents).  Just knowing that my mom was supporting me with this move was more than enough for me. 14 hours sounded like a lot before I left, but now, 3 weeks later I wish I could have that time back. I have to wait 2,184 hours until I can see my mom again. Thank - You God for Skype, and face time.

One week ago I went on a 3 day camping trip with my co-workers and bosses; there was 7 of us all together. Experiencing a few days within the wilderness with these ladies and learning new ways to enjoy quality time together through relaxation, team building activities, and just sitting there to "be". We hiked up a 14,000 ft mountain. YES! I am a member of the 14er club! OW! OW! It was amazing to see the mountains for miles and miles out. Sharing that moment with my new found friends and sisters was amazing and beautiful. I can't forget, it was the most physically challenging thing that I have ever done. If you get the chance, GO DO THIS!




This is my first, short-and-sweet message to you. As God continues to guide me through the entry way of this adventure, I hope that you choose to travel with me; experiencing the challenges, changes, ups & downs, cliff jumps, and sky dives. :)


But for now, this is just my first steps on this adventure.

See you on the flip side.